Self-Assessment for 2013

Inspired by my friend Zhaleh (who inspires me far more often than she probably knows), I decided to answer her 25 questions for 2013 as I start this new year. It's a lot but I am happy that I took the time to reflect on these issues. It's less about making up resolutions as much as recognizing the personal journey I am on. I highly recommend a similar exercise - Cheers!

1. What am I most proud of this past year?

This should be the easiest question to answer shouldn’t it? Walking the trails with Kels this morning and discussing our past year and the one coming up, I had far more areas of improvement to discuss than areas I felt accomplished in. I have been proud however of taking advantage of the career opportunities presented to me. From helping my professor edit his book, which was published by the Oxford University Press; going to Brussels to work with an international non-profit; jumping headfirst in my anti-human trafficking consultant position; and working at two of the best firms in Los Angeles in civil rights for the better part of the year. All my life I have been waiting for these experiences to help narrow down what I want to do and what I like to do as far as my career goes. I think this past year, that has definitely become clear. Now it just depends on what kind of career ops come up this year that will put me on a certain career path! The other thing that I am most happy with is getting to take my mom on a couple of trips and concerts. She has always been my biggest inspiration and support and I am glad that I finally got it together enough to show my mom how much I love her.

2. How can I become a better _____________?

I want to be a better friend. I can blame my poor performance on work and school and so on, but that’s useless. I missed birthdays, parties, work presentations, and lots of other ups and downs that I should have been present for some of my closest friends. Not to mention when I did make these events, I sometimes felt tired and overextended and wasn’t as enthusiastic as I should have been. Even typing that out makes me feel so lousy. I think part of fixing this issue is maintaining a good, healthy routine where I keep my energy and pace myself for the end of the week. I am a front-loader and by Friday, I would be exhausted and sometimes even depressed. I wanted to curl up in bed with Sophie (who clearly wanted to go out and party) and rest, instead of going out and meeting new people and supporting old ones. I need to be careful with my commitments, not taking on too much and sticking to ones I do commit to. I think this will make me naturally more present (and positive) for my friends.

3. Where am I feeling stuck?

By working so much, I have also realized that as much of a work-oholic I am, I have felt creatively stifled. I didn’t attend as many concerts I wanted to, I didn’t improve on my blog, I want in yoga pants far too much and especially after coming back from Belgium, stopped taking photos and cooking as much. I am not an artist, but those outlets are especially important to me in maintaining mental and emotional balance. Most certainly, I need to focus on that side of brain more.

4. Where do I need to allow myself grace?

In my self-criticism. Whenever I feel an minute amount of rejection, even in the most ridiculous ways, I turn it into an opportunity to tear myself down. There is a way to focus on self-improvement without thinking of one’s self as inadequate. This year, I need to learn to toe that line and maintain my confidence, even when I see areas of improvement.

5. Am I passionate about my career?

YES. I don’t exactly know what my career will look like once I leave law school. However, throughout my work for three non-profits, two private law firms, doing research in academia, working for the government, etc., my values and goals have been the same advocacy and equality related to issues of civil rights.

6. What lessons have I learned?

To be bolder. A few years ago, I don’t think I could have taken the internship in Brussels, taken such initiative at work, or even been able to communicate the way I have with the people, especially guys, in my life. I think I can be even more honest, since sometimes I internalize a lot and then it comes out like a freaking geyser, but learning to be bolder with my actions and words is something I have started to realize.

How important the women in my life are. My mom, aunts, family friends, and girlfriends. They inspire and support me everyday with their grace, sense of humor, intelligence and creativity.

That it is okay to be vulnerable. So I am still working on this one because it has just started. I hate being disappointed, disillusioned and disenchanted (Seda’s words), so I put up moving walls (Evan’s words) or the great wall of China (Devon’s words). I expect people to act a certain way so I tend toward being guarded OR laughing off everything as a joke. Bad news bears. I’m working on being more open.

Not to do things I don’t want to do. Financially, I decided to take on a couple of projects that I didn’t enjoy. Then I realized I hated it and impulsively let it go. So happy I did.

7. What did my finances look like?

Uh. Eff law school loans. On the other hand, because of my work and the extra freelance assignments I picked, I was able to invest in things that are really important to me, such as travel, going out and good music. I felt a little tight toward the end of the year (tires and new computers are expensive), but for the most part, I think I managed myself pretty well in the circumstances.

8. How did I spend my free time?

For a majority of the year, I was really great about hiking with Sophie every day. I sort of lost this a bit with Brussels and my full work schedule over the summer, but I was happy that when I wasn’t in school or work, I was outside. I went out a lot with my friends, which I hope to keep up, but I do want to try new places. I also got to spend really amazing time with my family.

9. How well did I take care of my body, mind, and soul?

Body – started the year off well and ended well. Brussels was a bit rough with the delicious beers all about and at the beginning of the summer, it was hard to balance working out with. However, when I am eating well and working out, my mental state is amazing. I went through a couple of rough patches, which were probably exasperated by me ignoring bad habits. Thank god for my friends, who listened to me and put up with all my emotional rampaging.

I am about to sound hella melodramatic but I think I neglected my soul. I stopped writing regularly, I read maybe one book for pleasure, I didn’t take photos, etc. That is terrifying.

10. How have I been open-minded?

I think my work naturally keeps me open-minded. One of my ah-ha moments of the year is on this petition I am working on for a DV victim in Ecuador. Despite all of my training and experience, I had a great deal of cynicism and doubt about this particular’s situation. It was shocking once I verbalized and worked through these thoughts.

11. When did I feel most creatively inspired?

I get my daily dose by all the amazing female bloggers I follow. But I am most injected when I am having coffee with girls like Nathalie and Jacy and Lauren and Paige – girls who are artistic and creative and funny.

12. What projects have I completed?

Mostly work related. I’m proud of my law review article, my evaluations for LAFLA and CAST, the appellate briefs I helped draft, my editing of various chapters and books and articles, etc.

This year, I want to focus on self/creative projects.

13. How have I procrastinated?

In all ways possible all the time. This goes from grocery shopping to doing laundry to finishing work projects to studying. I did not have to pull all nighters, but too much of my weekends was playing catch up. Damn Facebook and Buzzfeed.

14. In what ways can I re-structure my time?

I’d like to wake up an hour earlier each day. I already wake up pretty early to hike with Sophs most days. However, an additional hour would allow me time to look through my blogs and write before the day kicks in. I also want to set up a system where I only check my email twice a day unless I am at work. I often find that my constant availability to colleagues and people in general takes away from my productivity. However, generally, I think my time-management is pretty good.

15. How have I allowed fear of failure hold me back?

Two things. Creative projects and my personal relationships. Fear of failing has made me less likely to take initiative in either of those areas.

16. Where has self-doubt taken over?

This is something I am currently grappling with, which is moving my career forward. I am not “leaning in” but rather waiting for others’ to “reward” me for the hard work I believe I have been doing. Despite everything I know about women and the difficulty we face in career development, I still have feelings of inadequacy.

17. When have I felt the most alive?

When I am hosting dinners for my friends, traveling, and hiking at sunrise with Sophie. Also when I hit really interesting and exciting legal issues in my research and actually understand them.

18. How have I taught others to respect me?

I don’t know how to answer this question. I think this is easier again in a professional aspect. I work hard, work late hours, work when I don’t have to. I am dedicated to that. However, I need to procrastinate less. Personally, I feel I am a bit of a loss – help?

19. How can I improve my relationships?

Honesty. And perhaps being less flippant. I have realized that I treat people too casually sometimes, but having been in the reverse position, its terrible. I want to be more mindful of others.

20. Have I been unfair to anyone?

Yes. That is really hard for me to admit. As I learned to be bolder about what I wanted this year, I think I may have been too dismissive of some individuals around me. I think it was a great learning process for me. However, I think of myself as someone who invests and cares a lot in other people and I want to get back to this good place.

21. Who do I need to forgive?

This has also been a year of forgiveness for me. There are certain people that have played an important, but sometimes negative, role in my life. This past year, I have learned how to allow them in my life by forgiving them and understanding their roles. I think this is a gold star for me.

22. Where is it time to let go?

There is a list of about eight. No need to go into the specifics, but just understanding that I’ve learned what I can from those situations and there is no need to dwell on or change anything.

23. What old habits would I like to release?

I watch Law and Order instead of being creative. When I am down or tired, I have, more than any other year, reverted to vegging. Gross.

Also no more yoga pants unless I am working out.

24. What new habits would I like to cultivate?

Earlier mornings. More shows. A book a week. Weekly entertaining. Style blogging. Honesty. Daily photography. Hydration. More yoga.

25. How can I be kind to myself?

Keeping positive people around me. Channeling energy into creative projects. Being honest with myself.