FYI – beginning next week, this
particular blog will be defunct and a new project will take its place. More to
come, but stay tuned J
So as almost last post before my
impending announcement, here is a short self-assessment I did that probably no
one will read except me, Evan and maybe a few of my girlfriends, who will stop
once they realize I told all of them this yesterday in a series of chaotic
texts.
1. What am I most proud of this past
year?
Based on the fact I had zero actually working experience at the
beginning of this year, I should be rather proud of developing my skills as a
litigation associate. But that’s rather boring and expected. Why go to three
years of law school, otherwise?
In actuality, I am proud of having been able to balance, for the
most part, a full-time lawyer job with my consulting work while finding
opportunities to write and host.
Also being slightly better at setting boundaries, sort of?
PS On a completely vain level, I also lost 15 pounds through
pilates, yoga and spin (thanks classpass!), so woooo!
2. How can I become a better _____________?
WRITER. I
had this epiphany with Megan the other day at lunch. My main job, pastime,
hobby, creative outlet and form of communication used to be the written word.
As Megan and I discussed, we feel as if our vocabulary, syntax and basic
communication skills have dwindled, narrowed, and almost bloody well
disappeared because of law school. My writing brought be joy, relief, and an
artistic outlet that I no longer have and I’d like to get back to that. Daily
writing exercises, going back to journaling, actively looking for new
opportunities (like my new food writing gig!) will help me get back on track.
As a more concrete goal, I’d like to find a new publication to write for by the
end of the month.
3. Where am I feeling stuck?
My job. Dating. Without going into it too much, I think the
problem source for both is my risk aversion and issues of insecurity, which for
the record are absolute bullshit. Gotta get over that. First things first, cut the fat. Second, only
explore positive opportunities. Third, own my accomplishments (see below).
4. Where do I need to allow myself grace?
I’ve found myself often undermining my, well, everything. Part
of the issue was the naïve 16 year old me creating a life checklist, which made
of cotton candy and glitter, also included engagement, owning a house, paying
off all my debt and everything short of winning a Nobel Prize plus the prize
itself. Needless to say, I’m falling a bit behind. It sounds silly, especially
because so many of those goals were rooted in romantic comedies, but I harshly
and frequently judge myself for not being perfect or adhering to the checklist.
I’d like to be more forgiving and remind myself, that despite the sleepless nights
and mess of a closet, I’m doing pretty effing well.
5. Am I passionate about my career?
Um, so which one are we talking about. That is something I need
to figure out this year. On one hand, I’m a full time litigation associate in
an area of law that I never thought I’d be in. However, it is public interest.
It is with good people, good teachers and great lunches. It is challenging and
already in a year, I’ve built a positive reputation for myself and stand to do
quite well. But is it right for me?
Then I have my consulting work and research in violence
prevention programming (domestic violence, sexual assault, and human
trafficking). These are intermittent projects on a contract basis, which I
would love to do full-time but on a freelance basis.
Then I have a variety of writing projects, casual blogging, food
writing, op-eds, etc. These are even less frequent than my consulting work, but
an area I’d like to expand.
All in all, I’d like a meaningful, public interest oriented job
for a non-profit, doing managerial and/or research in women’s issues, while
having time to blog and read and write, all from the comfort of my home. Any
one care to help me with this?
6. What lessons have I learned?
Lesson #1: Know when to walk away. Oh I’ve mastered this one,
especially when it comes to dating. I can see the red flags, I can see the
negative impact, and I know when to walk away. However, minor issue: Being able
to walk away is a whole other story – I am slowly getting more confident in
this.
Lesson #2: My friends are basically the best and I SHOULD ALWAYS
REMEMBER THIS AND TREAT THEM ACCORDINGLY. I say this every year, but I’ve
really managed to put my friends through their paces. Despite my personal
aversion to drama, it seems to follow me like a raincloud (often my own
unwitting making). However, I can always depend on an amazing, supportive,
intelligent friend to come drink wine and eat gobs of cheese and let me weep
into my shag carpet. They accompany me on 6am hikes, tequila shot journeys,
sweaty dancing at dive bars, concerts of artists they’ve never heard of, and even
painting my bedroom while I drink beer in a corner. I can count on them to get
me into double digit likes on my insta, leave me flowers on my doorstep, give
me the best book recommendations, and try all of my experimental cooking, all
while I’m selfishly wailing about how no one loves me. I owe them the world and
more.
Lesson #3: Give love freely. And never expect in return. I’m a
master of the first part of that. I lovely openly, fiercely and loyally, from
the moment I meet almost anyone. My general approach is that anyone could be my
best friend or my partner and everyone is deserving of conversation and hugs
and food and listening to me gossip about people they neither know nor care
about. However, very often, I become dependent on that person for feeling
needed or useful or loved. But human relations don’t work like that – they work
in waves and circles, topsy-turvey, and unpredictable. And I’ve learned to let
go of expectations of reciprocity in ferocity when it comes to love.
7. What did my finances look like?
Better than ever. But I’m fearful of new student loans kicking
in and having to adjust my rather bougie lifestyle. Maybe fewer weekend
wine-tasting trips? Especially with my home owning goals – lololololol #movingtoFresno
8. How did I spend my free time?
Generally, I spend it hiking with Sophie in the morning.
Evenings are spent in yoga/pilates/spin or entertaining friends with dinner and
drinks. There are very, very few evenings (maybe 1-2) a month that I don’t have
plans and can do the occasional Netflix binge. Despite a busy schedule, Sophie
and I usually are in bed by 11pm. (Also, I realize I refer to Sophie as
somewhat akin to a partner, but you should be used to that by now). Weekends
are mostly for traveling, brunch, art and music. Let’s keep it that way.
9. How well did I take care of my body, mind, and soul?
Body – Classpass is a godsend. I love all my yoga/pilates/spin
classes at One Down Dog, Yogala, YAS, Whole Body, Pilates Plus, and Pop
Physique. My daily hiking is also a boon. I also have been eating mostly
organic and local produce as well as taking some herbal supplements (B12,
cranberry, turmeric, and maca) and I’ve seen an improvement in my immune
system, skin and focus.
Mind and soul – I’ve been neglecting this a bit. I go through
phases of lots of good reading and writing and talking. But often in the last
month, I’ve been caught up in a few toxic situations that drive me away from a
positive mindset. Learning to reset and recenter quickly without taking three
or four requisite days would be great in the next year.
10. How have I been open-minded?
With some new people in my life. Sometimes misguided, but I
don’t have regrets about it. Next year, I plan on keeping my cards a little
closer.
Also, I believe I’ve been open-minded about my current job and
being the best lawyer I can be despite not knowing my future steps. I’ve
maintained dedication and ambition in spite of uncertainty.
11. When did I feel most creatively inspired?
Reading/writing and cooking/hosting. Especially this year with
new stuff by Coates, Gilbert, Barnes, etc., I have gone back to my roots in the
written word and am slowly rediscovering my aesthetic. Same thing with hosting
multiple dinners a week – I feel accomplished, inspired and proud. I’d like to
make all three a bigger and more polished priority this year.
12. What projects have I completed?
Ugh.
Didn’t redo my blog this year. (Stay tuned ;))
Decorated my room (but still need to hang my paintings).
I did build my consulting website, business cards, and contact
list… but then got distracted with work.
Although, now I’m realizing that I haven’t had a list on-going
projects or goals in a while. So maybe I should start with that.
13. How have I procrastinated?
Facebook and instagram stalking. Mooning around. Staring into
the golden eyes of my dog.
14. In what ways can I re-structure my time?
Check email, instagram, facebook only twice a day; Consolidate
writing, blogging time.
Do fewer dinners with more people per week? More supper clubs
than one on ones?
Maximize weekend time.
Schedule time for my different projects.
15. How have I allowed fear of failure hold me back?
Applying for new jobs and being honest with people about my
needs, whether professional or personal. Again, my risk aversion has stunted my
growth and I’m ready to be more confident in my choices.
16. Where has self-doubt taken over?
It’s never taken over. But it’s certainly present.
17. When have I felt the most alive?
Live music. Things that happen after live music. Good people.
Feeding said good people. Hiking with Sophie.
18. How have I taught others to respect me?
Professionally, I believe I’ve really been able to maintain my
personality as a somewhat abrasive, sarcastic girly girl (oxymoron I know),
while getting shit done and protecting and winning for my clients. Part of this
stems from being able to read people and know what persona to use when.
Personally, I think I might need, as I’ve stated before, stick
to boundaries that I assert. Very often, I call into question certain
behaviors, mine and others, but then hightail it back to my hole when
confrontation or the possibility of losing someone happens. No more, I say, no
more.
19. How can I improve my relationships?
Get rid of the toxic ones. Then I’m
not burdening the healthy ones with the same conversations over and over again.
20. Have I been unfair to anyone?
I’ve been unfair to several of the guys I’ve dated this year. I
wasn’t keen on it and I shouldn’t have let them flounder.
21. Who do I need to forgive?
Mission accomplished on this one. I've never been good at holding grudges.
22. Where is it time to let go?
When I’m not present in a moment that I’d like to be.
23. What old habits would I like to release?
Social media addiction and resulting procrastination.
Over-analysis on useless topics and moments.
24. What new habits would I like to cultivate?
Better time management. (I used to be so skilled at this!)
Regular creative writing.
25. How can I be kind to myself?
By being present. And owning my choices and accomplishments.
