THE FINAL BLOG POST EVER. (At least on this blog).

FYI – beginning next week, this particular blog will be defunct and a new project will take its place. More to come, but stay tuned J

So as almost last post before my impending announcement, here is a short self-assessment I did that probably no one will read except me, Evan and maybe a few of my girlfriends, who will stop once they realize I told all of them this yesterday in a series of chaotic texts.

1. What am I most proud of this past year?

Based on the fact I had zero actually working experience at the beginning of this year, I should be rather proud of developing my skills as a litigation associate. But that’s rather boring and expected. Why go to three years of law school, otherwise? 

In actuality, I am proud of having been able to balance, for the most part, a full-time lawyer job with my consulting work while finding opportunities to write and host.

Also being slightly better at setting boundaries, sort of?

PS On a completely vain level, I also lost 15 pounds through pilates, yoga and spin (thanks classpass!), so woooo! 

2. How can I become a better _____________?

WRITER. I had this epiphany with Megan the other day at lunch. My main job, pastime, hobby, creative outlet and form of communication used to be the written word. As Megan and I discussed, we feel as if our vocabulary, syntax and basic communication skills have dwindled, narrowed, and almost bloody well disappeared because of law school. My writing brought be joy, relief, and an artistic outlet that I no longer have and I’d like to get back to that. Daily writing exercises, going back to journaling, actively looking for new opportunities (like my new food writing gig!) will help me get back on track. As a more concrete goal, I’d like to find a new publication to write for by the end of the month.

3. Where am I feeling stuck?

My job. Dating. Without going into it too much, I think the problem source for both is my risk aversion and issues of insecurity, which for the record are absolute bullshit. Gotta get over that.  First things first, cut the fat. Second, only explore positive opportunities. Third, own my accomplishments (see below).

4. Where do I need to allow myself grace?

I’ve found myself often undermining my, well, everything. Part of the issue was the naïve 16 year old me creating a life checklist, which made of cotton candy and glitter, also included engagement, owning a house, paying off all my debt and everything short of winning a Nobel Prize plus the prize itself. Needless to say, I’m falling a bit behind. It sounds silly, especially because so many of those goals were rooted in romantic comedies, but I harshly and frequently judge myself for not being perfect or adhering to the checklist. I’d like to be more forgiving and remind myself, that despite the sleepless nights and mess of a closet, I’m doing pretty effing well.

5. Am I passionate about my career?

Um, so which one are we talking about. That is something I need to figure out this year. On one hand, I’m a full time litigation associate in an area of law that I never thought I’d be in. However, it is public interest. It is with good people, good teachers and great lunches. It is challenging and already in a year, I’ve built a positive reputation for myself and stand to do quite well. But is it right for me?

Then I have my consulting work and research in violence prevention programming (domestic violence, sexual assault, and human trafficking). These are intermittent projects on a contract basis, which I would love to do full-time but on a freelance basis.

Then I have a variety of writing projects, casual blogging, food writing, op-eds, etc. These are even less frequent than my consulting work, but an area I’d like to expand.

All in all, I’d like a meaningful, public interest oriented job for a non-profit, doing managerial and/or research in women’s issues, while having time to blog and read and write, all from the comfort of my home. Any one care to help me with this?

6. What lessons have I learned?

Lesson #1: Know when to walk away. Oh I’ve mastered this one, especially when it comes to dating. I can see the red flags, I can see the negative impact, and I know when to walk away. However, minor issue: Being able to walk away is a whole other story – I am slowly getting more confident in this.

Lesson #2: My friends are basically the best and I SHOULD ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS AND TREAT THEM ACCORDINGLY. I say this every year, but I’ve really managed to put my friends through their paces. Despite my personal aversion to drama, it seems to follow me like a raincloud (often my own unwitting making). However, I can always depend on an amazing, supportive, intelligent friend to come drink wine and eat gobs of cheese and let me weep into my shag carpet. They accompany me on 6am hikes, tequila shot journeys, sweaty dancing at dive bars, concerts of artists they’ve never heard of, and even painting my bedroom while I drink beer in a corner. I can count on them to get me into double digit likes on my insta, leave me flowers on my doorstep, give me the best book recommendations, and try all of my experimental cooking, all while I’m selfishly wailing about how no one loves me. I owe them the world and more.

Lesson #3: Give love freely. And never expect in return. I’m a master of the first part of that. I lovely openly, fiercely and loyally, from the moment I meet almost anyone. My general approach is that anyone could be my best friend or my partner and everyone is deserving of conversation and hugs and food and listening to me gossip about people they neither know nor care about. However, very often, I become dependent on that person for feeling needed or useful or loved. But human relations don’t work like that – they work in waves and circles, topsy-turvey, and unpredictable. And I’ve learned to let go of expectations of reciprocity in ferocity when it comes to love.

7. What did my finances look like?

Better than ever. But I’m fearful of new student loans kicking in and having to adjust my rather bougie lifestyle. Maybe fewer weekend wine-tasting trips? Especially with my home owning goals – lololololol #movingtoFresno

8. How did I spend my free time?

Generally, I spend it hiking with Sophie in the morning. Evenings are spent in yoga/pilates/spin or entertaining friends with dinner and drinks. There are very, very few evenings (maybe 1-2) a month that I don’t have plans and can do the occasional Netflix binge. Despite a busy schedule, Sophie and I usually are in bed by 11pm. (Also, I realize I refer to Sophie as somewhat akin to a partner, but you should be used to that by now). Weekends are mostly for traveling, brunch, art and music. Let’s keep it that way.

9. How well did I take care of my body, mind, and soul?

Body – Classpass is a godsend. I love all my yoga/pilates/spin classes at One Down Dog, Yogala, YAS, Whole Body, Pilates Plus, and Pop Physique. My daily hiking is also a boon. I also have been eating mostly organic and local produce as well as taking some herbal supplements (B12, cranberry, turmeric, and maca) and I’ve seen an improvement in my immune system, skin and focus.

Mind and soul – I’ve been neglecting this a bit. I go through phases of lots of good reading and writing and talking. But often in the last month, I’ve been caught up in a few toxic situations that drive me away from a positive mindset. Learning to reset and recenter quickly without taking three or four requisite days would be great in the next year.

10. How have I been open-minded?

With some new people in my life. Sometimes misguided, but I don’t have regrets about it. Next year, I plan on keeping my cards a little closer.

Also, I believe I’ve been open-minded about my current job and being the best lawyer I can be despite not knowing my future steps. I’ve maintained dedication and ambition in spite of uncertainty.

11. When did I feel most creatively inspired?

Reading/writing and cooking/hosting. Especially this year with new stuff by Coates, Gilbert, Barnes, etc., I have gone back to my roots in the written word and am slowly rediscovering my aesthetic. Same thing with hosting multiple dinners a week – I feel accomplished, inspired and proud. I’d like to make all three a bigger and more polished priority this year.

 
12. What projects have I completed?

Ugh.

Didn’t redo my blog this year. (Stay tuned ;))

Decorated my room (but still need to hang my paintings).

I did build my consulting website, business cards, and contact list… but then got distracted with work.

Although, now I’m realizing that I haven’t had a list on-going projects or goals in a while. So maybe I should start with that.

13. How have I procrastinated?

Facebook and instagram stalking. Mooning around. Staring into the golden eyes of my dog.

14. In what ways can I re-structure my time?

Check email, instagram, facebook only twice a day; Consolidate writing, blogging time.

Do fewer dinners with more people per week? More supper clubs than one on ones?

Maximize weekend time.

Schedule time for my different projects.

15. How have I allowed fear of failure hold me back?

Applying for new jobs and being honest with people about my needs, whether professional or personal. Again, my risk aversion has stunted my growth and I’m ready to be more confident in my choices.

16. Where has self-doubt taken over?

It’s never taken over. But it’s certainly present.

17. When have I felt the most alive?

Live music. Things that happen after live music. Good people. Feeding said good people. Hiking with Sophie.

18. How have I taught others to respect me?

Professionally, I believe I’ve really been able to maintain my personality as a somewhat abrasive, sarcastic girly girl (oxymoron I know), while getting shit done and protecting and winning for my clients. Part of this stems from being able to read people and know what persona to use when.

Personally, I think I might need, as I’ve stated before, stick to boundaries that I assert. Very often, I call into question certain behaviors, mine and others, but then hightail it back to my hole when confrontation or the possibility of losing someone happens. No more, I say, no more.

19. How can I improve my relationships?

Get rid of the toxic ones. Then I’m not burdening the healthy ones with the same conversations over and over again.

20. Have I been unfair to anyone?

I’ve been unfair to several of the guys I’ve dated this year. I wasn’t keen on it and I shouldn’t have let them flounder.

21. Who do I need to forgive?

Mission accomplished on this one. I've never been good at holding grudges.

22. Where is it time to let go?

When I’m not present in a moment that I’d like to be.

23. What old habits would I like to release?

Social media addiction and resulting procrastination.

Over-analysis on useless topics and moments.

24. What new habits would I like to cultivate?

Better time management. (I used to be so skilled at this!)

Regular creative writing.

25. How can I be kind to myself?

By being present. And owning my choices and accomplishments.